Ghosts and Magnets
How did I get to this very spot? Is it a matter of contemplating the ghosts of my journey constantly in order to learn or do I just keep looking and moving forward allowing the ghosts to fade with time?
I don’t see the same things in my past that I once did. Its not that the stories are different, but the feelings behind the stories have changed the colors and scenery. Its almost as if I went from a 3D moving image to something that looks like it was drawn up on a storyboard and long forgotten to be told.
But why, then, doesn’t my life show up differently now?
I’m not lonely. I may be alone too much, but loneliness is not why I seem to stick so solidly to my vices lately.
I’m not a loner. In fact, I’m so tired of doing things by myself I may bring back out my invisible friend from childhood. He always was a riot.
I’m not sure how to change a lifetime of so much personal space that my energetic field around me has grown to be about 500 feet in diameter. My massive bubble always seemed to repel people, or attract the dramatics and the crazies like mosquitos to sweetness on a hot summer night. But I really work for my bubble to shine; I work for it to shimmer and glisten.
I want to be a magnet for real love and connection.
Maybe it really is simply time, if I can convince myself to believe that. I spent my life holding out my hand as if I’m dancing to “Stop! In the name of love” but in fact I was saying, “Stop! Keep your love at a distance”. Now my palm is turned up gently and wisely toward the bright blue sky, hoping for the right people to come and put their hands in mine.
Bring me in.
Let me be a part of something that grows and blossoms and shines.
Love is here.
I’ve got to be a part of someone’s recipe, don’t I? I don’t believe a lifetime of space has fated me to staring at my empty messages on my phone going forward, wondering if my texting feature is somehow broken.
I take a deep breath, feeling the softness in my glow, noticing the rattles and smoke feel less three-dimensional than they did last week. I try to work my way into the belief that my quiet days will slowly dwindle, and that this time I’ll be so happy to not have 5 minutes to myself because of the right people. I’ll be so excited when I do spend a mere 5 minutes alone and see myself in the mirror smiling knowingly that I didn’t fall into the belief that things can’t change.
I’ll know I really did want the chaos of a life of connection.
I’ll be grateful for being a magnet that works, and for taking the leap of putting my palm up to the sky.