I Thought I Let Go

I Thought I Let Go

Gliding back and forth, I stare over the rooftops watching the palm fronds dance in the morning ocean breeze. The sky is already that certain shade of blue indicating the hot day to come. I remember that shade of blue, I remember the breeze, and I remember buying the glider I’m sitting on and rarely using it. I remember the life I built, one that now feels like I read about in someone else’s story long ago.

There’s nothing better than learning how far I’ve come in just a short period of time. And there’s nothing worse than realizing I’ve outgrown a life I worked so hard to make, and now its time to truly leave it behind.

I thought I already let it all go. Before my trip back in time, I thought all these months of my new life had allowed me to let go of my old one. But sitting on the deck that was once mine and sipping coffee out of a mug I bought my former person, I’m pierced with the overall knowing that I still have letting go to do. And just how to do that still baffles me to my core.

Rituals, selling and giving away old things, rearranging the old to make it look new; all of these things I’ve tried to use to let go of the old life. I’ve tried to let myself just be sad, to jump into my new life head on, and I even tried burning a candle in honor of the old. But nothing prepared me to experience visiting my old life and being unable to fit in. And to realize I never really did.

What do I do? How on earth do I make peace with something I thought I already let go?

He was my person. For too many years, he was my only person. I had some deceptively close friendships that slid through my fingers with each passing year, only to end up back with just my one and only person. That was it, just him and he wasn’t right for me. Nor I for him. It’s been really easy for us to stay grounded in our decision and I really don’t want what I had. There are no aches in my heart for what was lost. But I’m still sad.

I just know my person is out there, and my people too. It makes me miss them even before they are here. I’m in that limbo between letting go and moving on. That layover that just seems to drag on forever yet is only a couple of hours between flights.

I hope my flight comes soon. But I can work to rest easy in the knowledge that when it comes, it’ll be right on time.

Is that trite? Maybe, but I know synchronicities happen all the time. And to get out of bed in the morning requires me to believe my next flight is soon.

So, goodbye to once was, and what had been. Thank you for what you gave me. But I’m ready to fit in to my real puzzle now.

Posted on: March 15, 2016elyzableau

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